i'm almost dying!

it's confirmed! now i know.. he's got his own family.. and he has a cute son..just like him.. haist..pero masaket.. naun lng aq nakafeel at nakapagassure sa sarili q n xa na ung guy na i wanna live with forever.. kaso, i dont hav a place in him anymore.. soo....


i'm out in his life..

ever since, i am..

UNCONDITIONAL

Unconditional

Lately, I am so sad

I wanted to comfort you but,

She’s all that you need and want.

I can’t express my feelings

You’re too far away from me

Wish you’ll gonna miss me.

I will always listen to you

Your sorrow, pains and hurts

Even if it talks all about her.

‘cause I’m missin’ you so much

Even if you’re not by my side

I would still be alright.

I told you “I like you”

She loves you, you love her too

I’ll wait ‘til you love me too.

I never thought I would feel this way

Emptiness and loss is what I feel

I don’t want you to feel like this.

Now I understand why

You don’t even call me your mine

‘cause you’re just concern to my heart.

I’m contented in this life

I’ll be happy if you come back

Hope you’d find your luck

Now I’m letting go of you

And I’m starting to move on too

And I’ll never ask for more.

If you need help just call on me

I will surely be there, I will

‘Cause I value you as much as I value me.

CONFUSED (Part One)

CONFUSED (Part One)

Just heard something
From my friend's thinking
Should have put my hands
to make my ears numb.

I know it's none of my business
but just couldn't help of thinking
How this information hurts me
I shouldn't have listened.

Talking with them very gay
Pretending very okay.
Letting them know the message you've sent
but was hurt 'bout the message you let them read.

You seem confused,
I feel confused
Can't understand the things you do
And the things you think too..

But then suddenly, you stare at me
starting to throw jokes on me
Hoping it will now be the
Way in the part two of our love story.

Somehow I try to think
Of the possibilities of your doings
I ask myself, "are you really sincere?
And is this another chance for me to be your dear?"

I'd like to take care of you
Hold your hand and be with you
I don't care what's the right thing to do
All I want now is the act of loving you.

I hope the tims you stare at me won't last
I hope your feelings won't fade fast
I hope these daydreams would come true
And I hope you feel the same way too.

The sun already goes down from the sky
But you are still looking outside
Are you staring at me? Just trying to hide
Or are you looking for the girl who now makes you smile?

haist.. what a tiring day.. pero okay lang.. although this is the last day of first sem in school, i'm still very happy 'cause i've seen Rain soo many times inside the canteen.. and he looked at me.. hehe..

i hope they have already received our letters..sheet! hope they will mail us back.. haiii..

Rain

SEPTEMBER 19

This day is terrible! I mean just this later evening. It’s all because of my damn father! Yeah! He absolutely is. Well I think I’d better stop talking about him. I don’t wanna make my sins become heavier to be forgiven so it’s better to erase him at this very moment because I’m inspired to talk about this baby-face cool guy.

Of course from the morning up to the afternoon, it was a great time & it’s all because of “Rain”. Yes, you heard it all right, Rain. Actually it isn’t his real name, we just thought a codename for him so if ever we (I and Jen who is my friend and company in AdU) were carried away in chatting crush-stuffs about him, and someone heard us, they wouldn’t know who we are talking about. Ahm, it’s been more than a month I’m watching basketball practices of seniors, but until now, I still do not know his real name(of course I’m referring to Rain). Sad for me.. I was terribly interested to him.. I want us to be closed as good friends as much as possible, as in really “good friends” haha! But of course, it will never happen. There will never have a chance or opportunity for that. He seems to be so popular, respected and admired by every girl in the campus and he wouldn’t even waste his time in making friends with some poor “nobody” out there, which is like ME.. i think you’re just wondering why am I bein’ some kinda dramatic right now and like some other girls written in pocketbooks? Well, let me say it to you why..

Actually, he’s not really the one I used to watch for everytime I go to the gym. They’re Paul, Marc and Lester who’s every girl’s fantasies. These three good-looking and excellent players of our campus belong to the team A, but Rain (as what we used to call him) is just in team B. of course, team A’s players are the only ones who play every game in the UAAP. While team B players are still needed to be trained before they can play there. But who the hell cares if he’s just team B? Besides, he plays like a pro. And if you’re a varsity, it isn’t a big deal either; you’re still “SHIZNIT!” Rock on dude! Lol!

He has this towering height, charisma (or I think they also call it sex appeal). For me he’s not handsome but he’s extremely cute!! From the tip of his hair down to his toe nails is just so perfect for my eyes. You think I’m exaggerating but if you can only see him! Ah I wish so you could all understand me! Hehe.. I’m not telling these things just because I like him, but I’m telling these ‘cause they’re just simply the truth and nothing but the truth. Wait! And of course, the first and best thing about this cute guy is that, he’s got an absolutely real nice smile. Everytime he smiles, it feels like I’m almost falling my underwear! Haha! Lol! Sound indecent but it feels just like that. He smiles very sweet and friendly. When he smiles at you, I’m 103% sure that you’ll feel light and comfortable with him. He’s not skinny; he’s not like the other guys that are very much like bamboos that are stretched out vertically. He’s got muscles in his shoulders and arms but they’re not inappropriate to look at, and they’re firm. Unlike the other players whose skins are loose and still suffering from saggy arms, they don’t even have muscles thinking that they have bigger bodies, but just fats. Lol!

When I see him for the first time in the gym, he looks very familiar. But I don’t know what, when, where or how I saw him. Just can’t recall. That time, he’s really smiling and making fun with the other players (Team A) specifically with Paul, who laughs and laughs with him. I do not know who are they laughing at or even why. All I want that very moment is just to look at Paul and Mark. But I know that time I saw him, I already start to like him. I think I was just attracted on his very cute-cute face.

Anyway, I’m just an ordinary student in our university. Like I said earlier, I am just “nobody” in the school. I DON’T EVEN EXIST IN ANY ORGANIZATION IN THE campus, although I really want to. That’s why it’s really an “impossible dream” (as what Matt Monro’s saying) to be noticed by him. But let me tell you, I had this very strange feeling since I started to watch and look over him everytime I’m in the gym. I can see that he use to look at me too. I don’t know why.. you think I’m a total social climber or the likes or whatever you call it.. “iLLusionada”? I think that’s how they call it. But I’m just saying what I’m seeing. When I’m currently looking at him, he will just turn around and look at the way where we’re sitting. I think you can see if someone’s trying to look at you or it’s just so happens that he looked at our position? I don’t know, but it didn’t happen only once. Everyime I go in there (in the gym, I mean), he will take a sight on us then after a second, if he noticed that I am looking at him too, he will change his sight. Waah! It’s crazy I know, “totally feeler”! lol~ could it mean something? Special? I wish!

Just this afternoon, I saw him. We’re walking in opposite directions, me going inside the SV gate and him walking towards the gate (to go outside I think). And the feeling.. I just can’t take it.. (sounds like a song? lol). I feel so nervous when we passed by each other, we’re just few inches away and I tried to take a sight on him, and God! He’s so tall, white and totally cute! Feels like I saw a celebrity. I’m acting totally different that time and keeps on asking Jen and Mark (my classmate in EnviSci) for us to move to some place. Wanna know why am I telling that with them since I really like seeing “Rain”? and he’s right in front of us, he stopped at the front of SV gate with the other two team B players because they’re with his mom. I already want to move that time because he might think we’re following him or worse, I’m following him and that I’m so dead on him. Oh! No way! That’s totally shame on my face! (although it’s true) but I really never wanted the guy I like to think that way on me. Ever in my life! Myself and my friends knowing it is enough. And that’s it! I was able to convince them (jen and Mark) to start walking ‘cause they’ve decided to stop by the admission office and just spend our time there. But me, I’ve just decided to go home because it’s already 2:30 and I don’t want to be scolded by my mother for only one violation of her rules. Yes! I’ve got plenty of rules from my parents. Imagining that I’m already 18 years of age but still, they want me to go home right after my class and get permission from them first in everything I’m doing in the school that’ll cause me to return home late.

Anyway like what I’m sayin’, I said goodbye to Mark and Jen. And I started to walk towards the church walkway, when I realized that Rain, his mom and the other two players from team B were already gone. So I just continued walking with a little sad on my face. But no! There’s no need to be sad. I saw Rain with his mom and they’re like going also to the walkway. They’re already too far for me to see them. So I made my steps bigger as much as I can. And when I’m almost behind them, I feel so nervous again. I feel my adrenaline is going high and I’m acting unusual again. I know deep inside me, it’s not my normal emotions. I’m kind of nervous but excited and very happy. Very strange feeling.

I’m almost with them. We’re walking very much aline in the walkway and I don’t want him to notice that so I tried to walk a little bit faster than them to overtake and I succeed. I just saw in the corner of my eye that his mother looked at me and him also after a few seconds. I just realized that I’m getting more nervous that time compared a while ago when I said I also felt nervous. Not only that, I felt that my hands are starting to get cold. They seem to be very cold. But I keep on walking and no looking back. The feeling is so unexplainable. Mixed emotions, I think. For me, it seems to be one of the greatest achievements in my life… everytime he looks back at me. At least, he bothers to look at me too.. Poor “me”.. Lolz!